The Invisible Work That Shapes Relationships

When people think about household labor, they often picture physical chores, laundry, dishes, cooking, and grocery runs. But beyond these tasks lies an equally heavy burden: cognitive labor. This “mental project management” includes anticipating needs, planning, organizing, and making sure everything gets done. And research shows it often falls disproportionately on women, even in couples who consider themselves egalitarian.

Sociologist Allison Daminger, Assistant Professor at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, has studied this hidden workload extensively. In her interviews with different-sex couples (and more recently, same-sex couples with children), she found that in about 80% of heterosexual households, women take on the majority of this invisible role (Ruder, 2023, University of Wisconsin–Madison).

What Cognitive Labor Looks Like

Imagine you’re planning your sister’s birthday party. You:

• Remember the date is coming up (anticipating).

• Choose between chicken parmesan or shrimp tacos (identifying options).

• Decide on the menu (decision-making).

• Check to make sure your partner actually picked up the ingredients (monitoring).

That’s cognitive labor in action. It’s not the cooking itself—it’s the mental energy that keeps the household running smoothly.

Why the Burden Falls on Women

Many couples Daminger spoke with prided themselves on progressive gender roles. Yet, in practice, the “mental load” often defaulted to women. Some men explained this imbalance by attributing it to their partner’s personality—she’s more organized, more type A, or “just better at multitasking.”

But Daminger points out an important contradiction: the same men who describe themselves as “spontaneous” often hold demanding jobs as surgeons, lawyers, or consultants—roles that require detailed planning and organization. In other words, these skills are being applied in the workplace, but not at home.

This disconnect is a form of cognitive dissonance: couples value equality but reframe traditional gender roles in ways that justify the imbalance.

The Consequences of Invisible Work

Because cognitive labor is largely unacknowledged, it can feel draining and isolating. Even when women successfully delegate tasks—like asking a partner to cook dinner—they may still end up managing the process by issuing reminders, buying ingredients, or making sure schedules align. Instead of easing the mental load, delegation sometimes just reshuffles it.

Childcare, in particular, adds another layer of pressure. From navigating daycare waitlists to arranging schedules around pickup times, these responsibilities frequently fall on women, amplifying the hidden workload.

Possible Solutions

Daminger suggests two approaches to easing the imbalance:

1. Policy Support: Affordable, high-quality childcare would reduce the planning burden for parents, particularly mothers.

2. Couple-Level Agreements: Instead of defaulting into roles, couples can decide—together—who handles what. This may not mean splitting everything 50/50 but rather reaching a balance that feels fair and sustainable for both partners.

As Daminger explains, “What is probably more important is that both partners are on the same page and both partners are satisfied with what’s happening” (Ruder, 2023).

Final Thoughts

Invisible labor shapes relationships in ways we often overlook. Recognizing it is the first step toward change. Whether through policy reform or intentional household agreements, sharing the cognitive load can foster healthier, more balanced partnerships.

Source: Ruder, I. (2023, June 5). How Invisible Labor Affects Relationships. College of Letters & Science, University of Wisconsin–Madison. Retrieved from https://ls.wisc.edu